i am stardust

Everything is cold,

And I am tired.

-S.J.L

road stretching endless into space,

that isn’t far away.

.

keep checking time and checking hands,

vague memories of today.

.

most recollections blurry, but

remembered with a smile.

.

it slowly fades when you see that

your mind’s been lying for a while.

.

think back on happy times, forget

the evidence, they weren’t.

.

journal entries, texts, and pictures,

some things are’t concurrent.

.

time spent saying to yourself, “it

must get better again.”

.

again implies there was a time

that “better” settled in.

.

well, maybe foggy memories,

are what you’ll always need.

.

if you could see it clearly you

would fear the place it leads.

.

the hunch you’d be directionless,

if you could really know.

.

there has never been a better,

and you can never go.

.

not meant for you and you can’t lean

on friends to get you there.

.

that pulling people down with you,

is not, nor will be fair.

.

must swallow hope, it tastes too sweet;

wash down with any vice.

.

so bite your tongue and settle in,

can’t pay the entry price.

.

road stretching endless into space,

you’ve reached a fork again.

.

can’t go that way, they’ll go down too,

keep walking down the lane.

-S.J.L

days blur together as time’s swallowed away,

an empty fifth in the freezer tells me a week has passed.

.

memories blur somehow worse than before,

this time by the fault of my own.

.

I use an empty liter to mark the weeks now,

this is more taxing than it used to be.

-S.J.L

boiling fluid clawing at the lining,

as everything sets in for the fifth time today.

.

fetal position on the bed,

the burning rises to my mouth.

.

push it down,

push everything down.

don’t open your mouth,

you know what will happen.

.

clenched teeth in a sore jaw,

filing them down to the gum.

pavlov yourself into lockjaw,

if someone asks remind yourself they’re not your janitor.

.

clean up your own sick.

-S.J.L.

and then the static returned, quieter this time, but still buzzing away.

like a swarm of those annoying little flys that live by creeks.

they hang around your head until you finally get far enough away.

i don’t see a body of water anywhere near me, so why are they flying around my head?

what should i be doing differently so they finally leave me alone?

-S.J.L

dragged from the darkness,

it followed wherever she went.

.

“you need to step out more often,

the sun doesn’t see you enough.”

.

her skin grew warm,

the dark started to seep outward.

.

“i can’t, i’ll poison it.”

plants sank under the weight of her shadow.

.

they shook their head, eyes cast downward 

they couldn’t see the rays start to rot

.

“don’t become your ghost,

it follows but can’t touch you without invite.”

.

umbra spread up their legs to their chest, they didn’t know it had asked a while back.

they couldn’t have known she had let it in.

.

“the suns too good to look me in the eye,

its morals can’t withstand decay.”

.

she drew away from them and into herself,

into the black from whence she came.

.

when she clutched her shadow close, 

she could almost mistake her burning chest for the warmth of the sun.

if she listened even closer,

she could almost mistake her heartbeat for theirs.

-S.J.L.

To be the color of the moon,

For just a little while.

.

To resonate dissonance into the night,

Without anyone having to hear.

Dark enough to pretend your shadow isn’t there.

.

Leaving yourself in the wake of each step.

Away from the ground and towards the starry velvet,

Until you’re so far away that it’s quiet enough,

.

.

.

To rest.

-S.J.L.

I told her,

“I think I’m about numb to okay right now.

Or maybe I’m happy I can’t be sure.

If this is happiness it’s kind of underwhelming.”

.

A smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes,

And whatever laugh I was using that day followed.

.

She told me,

“I think that’s all we can hope to be probably”

She smiled folding her clothes.

“I think I’m doing fine right now,

but I may be about to have a mental breakdown.”

.

Described her stomach ache to me,

The lump in her throat.

“Maybe I’m just hungry,

I think I’ve forgotten to eat much today.”

.

Relayed what she’d eaten,

not nearly enough.

She goes to make some more food,

I hang up and procrastinate sleep.

.

I told myself,

“Maybe you’re just overthinking.”

There’s gotta be more than this.

“This is probably what happiness is.”

I feel like I’m walking in a dream today,

Gravity feels stronger, my feet are going through the sidewalk.

“You’re definately overthinking.”

.

Today feels like sadness circa three years ago,

Not better or worse,

Just different.

-S.J.L.